A Husband's Memories

Extracted from , by Martha Jesty

Martha changed from being an extremely active person to almost being crippled. She used to cry quite a lot during the day for no apparent reason, just because she remembered something. So we started having our evening sessions where she could pour her heart out to me. Even though we had a couple of paid helpers during the day to care of Daniel and the house, and an office assistant for the business, it was not enough for Martha. She needed so much emotional and unconditional support from me. We didn’t have family members near us to help us in any way, so we had to cope on our own. The church we were going to was a very small, new church, and the pastor did his best to pray for us and visit us from time to time.

Almost every evening Martha and I used to sit down in the living room and she poured out her heart. Although these times carried on for nearly two years, they were more frequent during the first 6 months. She used to cry so loudly, as though she had been stabbed, there was so much pain and disappointment in her words that I didn’t know what to do, so I just listened with empathy and gave her love and understanding. Seeing her crying in that way made me feel the same pain as she did, although not as deeply. She used to remember small details, events that triggered all this pain, sometimes feeling sick.

I didn’t like so see my wife like this. I loved her so much that seeing her so disappointed with her son’s birth, with her body, so angry with the national health service and the way she was treated, ill and inactive, all these things made me feel extremely sad. My faith in God helped me to get through this whole living nightmare. I don’t know how I could have done it without my spiritual beliefs.

If all I could do was to listen and empathise with her without giving any advice, then I would do this, I thought, for as long as necessary. I wasn’t worried about the state of my marriage, but I cared for her and suffered seeing her like this. I had to have a lot of patience and show her unconditional love if I wanted to see a change in her. I knew things would change in the future, but what I didn’t know was how long it would take. Sometimes I felt like saying “ENOUGH! When is all this going to end?” But I didn’t.

There where times when Martha blamed me for not being strong enough for her during that weekend in labour, or during the time in hospital, or after she came back from the theatre, or maybe for not saying what she wanted me to say. After explaining my behaviour on those occasions she mentioned, I had to acknowledge my mistakes and ask for her forgiveness. And one thing that she always had to do was forgive all those that she believed had wronged her.
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Our marriage was strong before Daniel was born, but afterwards it became even stronger. Martha has changed since her PTSD illness. She has worked for some time in counselling, but her level of compassion and her sensitivity and understanding of women’s sufferings has increased.
Nearly two years after Daniel’s birth I was happy to have my Martha back, my excellent wife, loving mother, confidante and friend, my best friend. I admire her for what she is doing now, creating a national and international awareness of postnatal PTSD as well as helping PTSD survivors.
My advice for all men who read this book is that if you as a husband or partner don’t have patience with your wife or partner, it can jeopardize your relationship. You will need to allow time for your wife to recover from this illness. She has given you a child and you have two alternatives, either help her to get better with love, care and patience, and therefore win your whole family, or leave them but at great loss to both of you, a loss that I believe will be affect you more as a father. Why not find out more about the matter and then get help through an organization that is willing to listen to your concerns. We are all here to help you.

• Women will need more patience from us because of the trauma itself and the normal rapid decrease in hormones, adjustment to motherhood and sleep deprivation
• The couple’s relationship undergoes readjustment, or certain problems, as if there were a black cloud on top of them
• Diminished libido and intimacy as well as communication
• Fathers can also experience some sort of trauma or depression and they feel very angry, resentful and unloved by their wives.

Please contact Paul Jesty directly on 020-82413483 (9pm-9.30pm ) should you need someone to listen to you.