A Word of Advice for You

It is so difficult for us, as men, not to give a word of advice when someone shares their problems with us. We always want to fix the problem, but in this case, if you really want your marriage to work, it is better not to say anything. The next sentences are FORBIDDEN:
- Everything is in your mind, we have a beautiful baby, why are you sad?
- It won’t be this way forever, you will get over it
- I have seen many mothers having a good time
Why are they forbidden? Because your wife will hear something completely different from what I have just written, such as: you are not a good mother…something is wrong with you for feeling like that…..etc. (you can add more). My suggestions are as follows:

1.Learn how to listen. It is so important for us to learn how to listen. Martha thinks that we are born to be deaf because we can’t take in too many instructions or we forget what we have been asked to do. Therefore you need to STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING and sit down, make time with her just to actively listen to her worries. She also needs to do the same because it is not good that you bottle up your feelings.

2. Empathize with her. Use sentences like “Oh it must be so difficult for you”, “I didn’t know that you were feeling like that…you must be suffering”, “I can’t imagine your pain…”, and please, be honest when you say this, because your wife will know immediately.

3. Do not judge her. Whatever you hear when she opens her heart to you, DO NOT JUDGE HER, even when sometimes is difficult to hear the things she says to you (killing someone, the baby, herself). After she has expressed her feelings openly (she frequently feels guilty ) then you can ask her what she wants you to do. This could be for you to pray for her, read something together about a topic related to her feelings (PTSD, PND, PPP), seek professional help for both of you, carry on talking, etc.. Whatever she wants to do will be good for her healing.

4. Do not give her advice of any kind…unless she asks for it, of course. This means that you don’t tell her that she needs medication, or to visit friends/family members to have a break, or to go for a walk in her “spare time” to relax.

5. Start looking on the internet for support groups that you both can join. At Helpwomenandchildren.com you can write your story to me, or your wife can write to other mothers about her story. Nowadays there are fathers’ support groups where you can discuss your frustration, confusion, anger or whatever you are feeling at that moment. Deal with the problems now and do let them pass, because they don’t heal with time as many men think.

Your wife and your marriage will be better soon, as were mine, with knowledge of the symptoms, patience, empathy and unconditional love for your wife. Therapeutic activities for couples, like the therapeutic tango classes (see chapter 15) can be of tremendous help to your relationship, and you will learn more about yourself and the inner strength you have.
If you yourself have been traumatised (see previous chapter), seek professional help and try to write if you cannot communicate your feelings easily. If you are a Christian, try to talk with your pastor and explain your situation, and let him prepare an action plan for you, including both spiritual and practical help for both of you.
One day soon, everything will be OK as before, and even better with your new baby.

A Husband Memories- written by Paul Jesty
Extracted from , by Martha Jesty
Contact Paul Jesty on 020-82413483 (9pm-9.30pm) should you need someone to listen to you.